


What Fear Is

by Versolite



Series: A Rawson canvas [4]
Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Brothers, Fear, Gen, Rants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:08:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Versolite/pseuds/Versolite
Relationships: Christopher Rawson (1777-1849) & Jeremiah Rawson (1787-1839)
Series: A Rawson canvas [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931890
Kudos: 4





	What Fear Is

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Ce qu'est la peur](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011824) by [Versolite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Versolite/pseuds/Versolite)



Christopher, you don't know what it feels like to be terrified. Look at yourself. Have you, even once, let the fear guide you when you were weighing the outcomes of a problem?

You're an intelligent man, so I can't figure how you manage to ignore the necessity of apprehension in most affairs. It's self-preservation, not weakness. Not weakness at all. It's like you're only worried about the artificial things, about your bloody image and masculinity, instead of the actual consequences. You could end in court, not... not the kind you control. I know what you've been doing.

This... This attitude, it can’t be good... Even with your back against the wall, you would never tremble, if not with rage. Do you know what terror _I_ feel? And towards you, to begin with? You frighten me, my brother. You're this wolf from Alfred de Vigny's poem. You throw yourself on the worst possible opponent without a glimpse of worriness about the danger that awaits you. Hell, sometimes it is like you even _enjoy_ that.

The Lord has not given me such audacity. You took it all for yourself at birth, leaving me with nothing but anguish. If I transgress the limits that I am given, I can only retreat more hastely afterwards. You saw that, didn't you? Anne Lister's mines, which I stole from under your command! I thought I was being bold. I thought it was a courageous move. I even believed what they say... you know, this thing about courage being only found in the very bosom of terror.

It's nonsense that good people tell their children, actually.

Now I know that I will never be brave. I am incapable of that on my own. I need your unconsciousness for this, and without you, my anxieties strangle my heart like cold hands. I feel them physically, they squeeze my stomach, my muscles, like a typhoon which would only want to absorb my body and make it disappear. Shred it in a cyclone. _That_ is fear, brother. Fear is destruction from all sides. And you don't know anything about it. I don't know how far you're willing to go, but I won't be able to follow you anymore. 

I can't live with this anymore, you know. I have a wife, and children, and I can't - a... and I _won't_ \- let you ruin this for me. You've been ruining my chances, my reputation and my relationship with several friends for a while now, and I haven't said anything about yet, but this is it. My family is a level above the mundanities and the acquaintances. I don't care about my own reputation, but if they are involved, the stakes differ. You should know that. You should know how family matters for me.


End file.
